WINTER SONG

SO....HERE WE ARE BITCHES. FINALLY AFTER 1232545746353 YEARS IM GIVING U A CHAPTER. THANK U TO ALL OF U WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL PPL THT HAVE STAYED WITH ME THRU THESE PAST ALMOST 2 YEARS. WE ARE ALMOST ON  THE HORIZON MY DARLINGS. THIS IS VERY LONG, I WORKED VERY, IT TOOK VERY LONG & NO JOCIE, I AM NOT A NURSE IN REAL LIFE LOL. ALL MY LOVE TO THE PUFFSTER. SHES BEEN KEEPING ME GOING. ANYWAY, IM DONE. ITS YOURS. ENJOY!



chapter 55

“The name of the infection is MRSA. It’s a staph infection that usually circulates around hospitals & nursing homes. The reason it’s so dangerous is because it’s resistant to most antibiotics, so it’s really hard to treat.” She stopped talking; letting the information sink in. she looked at the parents across from her. Drake sat, hands clasped, as he bounced his leg nervously, biting his lip. Nicki, on the other hand, was motionless. She barely looked like she was breathing.  Her glassy eyes fixed on the clock above Koyoa’s desk. The sound of the ticking was all that filled her head. Tick-tock, tick-tock. Drake sighed heavily.

“How could he have caught this? What could have happened?” he asked.

“Well, going over his blood work, we think it could have been dormant in his system for a while. Probably since he got his surgery. Or shortly after.” Drake rubbed his eyes with the heel of his hands before sitting back.

“So what do we do now?” Koyoa looked up from her coffee, fatigue & sorrow staining her face. She tried hard to swallow the lump that was rising in her throat & gave the only answer she could.

“We wait.”

Everything was still. It didn’t feel real. Like this whole situation was a joke & they were awaiting the punch line. But it wasn’t & Koyoa had nothing else to offer them. Drake dragged his hands over his jeans before getting to his feet & walking out. He was pacing the hall nervously when Koyoa came out, putting a hand on his shoulder.

“Talk to me.” She said.

“I don’t wanna talk.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t got nothing to say.”

“There’s gotta be something.”

“What do you want me to say?! You basically just told me my son is gonna-“

“Now I didn’t say that. I'm sorry it sounds so grim but you know I don’t shoot no shit with you. I always give it to you real. But that doesn’t mean I'm not gonna do everything I can to make him better. Your son is resilient. I really think he can get through this.”

“I'm trying to understand & believe it’s gonna be alright, but I just…” Drake bit his lip as tears started to fall. “I keep seeing his little body in my hands. Not moving. He was just…stiff.” He held his arms out in front of him, as if he could still see Malaki’s motionless body lying there. “This is all my fault, man. All that arguing I was doing with Nic is fucking pointless! I shoulda been focused on him.”  he sighed before falling against the wall. Koyoa rubbed his shoulder as she stood beside him.

“Don’t beat yourself up over this, baby. This is God’s work. He always-“

“Man, FUCK god! Ain’t no God!”

“Don’t think like that, Aubrey.”

“No, fuck that. I'm a good fuckin person. I pay my taxes. I take care of my family. I live my life right & THIS is my reward?! This is how he pays me for my good deeds? It wasn’t enough I had to go through all this shit with Onika, to realize she never loved me. Now he wanna take my son? My BABY?! I thought God was merciful? Where is my mercy?!?!? WHAT THE FUCK IS MERCIFUL ABOUT RIPPING EVERYTHING I LOVE AWAY FROM ME AT ONCE?!?!?!?!?” he was almost gasping for air. Between screaming & crying, his lungs were exhausted. Koyoa pulled him close, rocking him as she rubbed soft circles on his back.

“I wish I had answers for you, baby. I really do. If anybody knows how hard it’s been for you, it’s me. But I'm not giving up. And if I'm not giving up, I'm not gonna let you give up either. I know it seems like a mountain you just can’t climb. But you're gonna make it, I promise. Just be strong.”

“I can’t. I know I'm a man & this is my family, but I've been strong for so long. I don’t know if I can do this. I just wish it was me. I swear. I wish I was the 1 that was dying cuz I don’t think I can live through this.” he said, his voice deflated & defeated.

“No! You don't get to fuckin talk like that! You don’t get to quit. Malaki is strong. He's holding on for you. So you gotta hold on for him. Go in there & look at how strong he is. If nothing else, you be strong because through ALL OF THIS, he still hasn’t given up.” With her arm around him, he shuffled down the hall to Malaki’s room. Peeking in, he saw his son laying on his back, tubes & wires attached to him everywhere. Drake pulled a chair across the room, stopping in front of his son & sat. He reached a hand over the railing & stroked his soft hair. At that moment, he had a flashback of when Malaki was born. So small & fragile. As he stroked his cheek, Malaki snuggled to his father’s hand, just like he did the very 1^st time he touched him. What a fool he had been for thinking he could just give up on his son. He knew he would never leave him.

“It’s so hard seeing him like this, you know? After everything that little guy’s been through, you would think it was over.” Forty stroked Malaki’s cheek with the back of his hand. Since their families had arrived, the tension had only grown thicker. Drake sat with 40 & Carol next to Malaki’s bed, while Nicki sat in the corner, Sandi rubbing soft circles into the back of her hand. She didn’t look at anyone, not even her son. She just stared at the tiles on the floor, a constant stream of tears running down her face. She hadn’t spoken since they got to the hospital a week ago. Drake, on the other hand, had been busy. He had been the one to contact all their relatives, filling them in on Malaki’s condition. Taking care of the dog, the house & keeping in close contact with Koyoa about Malaki’s treatment plan was all left to him. But even with all the talking he was doing, he refused to speak to Nicki directly. He still wasn’t over their argument & the fact that she hadn’t even tried to apologize for the way she treated him. But his heart wouldn’t let him be completely evil to her. He still made sure she had food to eat & clean clothes to change into, not that she ever used any of it. It hurt him to see her like this, but he couldn’t afford to fall apart over her right now.

“I still don't understand how this happened. How did we not know something?” said Carol.

“He’s been sick a lot. So Koyoa thinks that the medicine he’s been taking for the little stuff like colds & ear infections have suppressed the virus until it was too strong to fight off anymore. She also thinks the change of climate from our trip may have accelerated the process.” Drake informed her. She looked at Sandi, their shame filled expressions matching. Noticing this, Drake put his arm around Nicki’s mother, hugging her tight. “Don't blame yourself. You didn’t know.”

“So when do you think we will know when the treatment is working?” Sandi asked, sorrow saturating her voice.

“I don't know. All we can do is wait.”

Silence fell over them again. And with it came the tension. Thickening, like water freezing over. In an effort ease the mood, Sandi spoke.

“Aubrey, have you slept? You look tired, sweetie.”

“I'm fine, mom.” He said in a tone that let her know that the topic was not up for debate. She turned to Nicki.

“What about you, Nicki? You look like I can use a nap.” She said, rubbing her shoulder. Nicki didn’t move. Seeing this, Drake scoffed. For the first time, she looked at him.

“You got something you wanna say?” she said in an eerie tone that sounded very unlike her.

“Now is not the time.” Her mother warned.

“No, let him speak.” said Nicki.

“You don't wanna know what I have to say.” He said, shaking his head.

“No, I think I do. So just say it, since it seems to be bothering you so much.”

“Don't do it man.” 40 urged. Drake tried to control himself, but the tone of her voice was taunting him. He turned around to face her.

“You really wanna know what’s on my mind?” he asked, his voice was elevated by his anger.

“I really do.” She replied calmly. He took a breath before answering.

“I just don't understand why you're here when you’ve obviously given up on our son. You haven’t even looked at him since we’ve been here.”

“Aubrey!” Sandi gasped.

“No, I'm serious! Why be here if all you're gonna do is cry & play mime? Never mind the fact that you don't talk to me, you don't even talk to him! You don't feed him, you don't bathe him, you don't even ask about his condition. You leave me to do all the work while u sit here, feeling sorry for yourself, doing nothing.”

“Well it seemed fitting. Why should I do anything since you ARE the reason he’s in here, after all.” He looked in her eyes, letting her words register & saw nothing. This made him angry. He snapped to his feet, charging toward her. Sandi & 40 stood in front of him, pushing him back, but Nicki was unmoved.

“Aubrey STOP IT!” Sandi yelled, but to no avail. He continued to lunge at her until he felt a pair of arms around him, pulling him back.

“Get the fuck off me!” he yelled.

“Not until you calm down.” It was Koyoa. Her grip was firm. Struggle as he might, his body was drained & he was tired. He knew he wouldn’t get free.

“I'm good, let go.”

“You sure?” she asked.

“I'm sure.” She released him. He shrugged away from her, adjusting his collar.

“What in the great white fuck has gotten into you?!” she asked him.

“Her! She gets soooo deep under my skin & I can’t take it anymore!”

“Well it looks like y’all got shit to work out so, I think you should do that elsewhere.” said Koyoa.

“What are you trying to say?” he asked, his brow raised.

“I'm saying I think it’s time for you to leave.”

“HELL no!”

“Aubrey, I think it’s best.” said his mother.

“No. None of you are making me leave my son.”

“They can’t, but I can.” Koyoa said sternly.

“You’re not making me leave.”

“Anytime I feel like ANYONE in this hospital is interfering with my patient’s treatment or recovery, I can have them removed & right now you're doing that. So I'm gonna give you the option to walk out of here before I call security.” Her voice was stern. It didn’t seem like a bluff but Drake tried her, just to be sure.

“You can’t do that shit.”

“I can & I will. I make 1 call & 2 armed guards will come & remove you & if you resist, which I know you will, they will take you to jail. So the only question there is now, Aubrey, is do you wanna go to jail, or you wanna go home?” she looked at him, eyebrows raised, waiting for an answer.

“I ain’t leaving if she ain’t leavin.”  He said, pointing to Nicki.

“Oh, she’s leaving.”

“What?!” Nicki exclaimed.

“You need to go as well.”

“No, somebody needs to be here –“

“Which your mother is perfectly capable of doing. That kid feels everything you feel so you're not helping him by sitting in a corner, crying. You need to go home, work this shit out & come back when you can at least be civil towards one another.” Nicki was angry. At that moment, she hated everyone in that room.

“Maybe this is best Onika.” Her mother said, pleading.

“He’s stable right now. I won’t make any major medical decisions without your consent & if anything changes I will call you. Now GO.”  Koyoa gestured to the door. Before she could explode, she stood up, not saying a word & left.

Tears of fury streamed down her cheeks as she speed-walked down the hallway. She looked back, seeing that he was quickly catching up.

“Onika.” He called. She refused to stop. She had nothing to say. “ONIKA.” He called again. When she reached the elevator she jammed her finger rapidly against the down button before crossing her arms over her chest. He was less than a foot away when she tried to make her way to the stairs. She wasn’t quick enough. He grasped her bicep, spinning her to face him. “What the fuck is wrong with you?!?”

“Leave me alone!” she shouted at him.

“No! I need some answers. Why would you say some fucked up shit like that?”

“I don't wanna talk to you Aubrey.”

“That’s your problem! You never talk to me! Tell me what is going on?!”

“I'm just TIRED of you!!!!! I'm wasting time arguing with you & look what happens!!!!”

“Well, I wouldn’t be arguing if you weren’t always being a BITCH!”

“STOP IT!” They both turned around to see 40 standing there, breathing heavy, face red. “Just stop it. I'm so tired of this shit.”

“Now is not the time, man.” Said Drake.

“Oh? Well it also wasn’t the time for you to argue in the room with your son when he could die any second, but that didn’t stop you, did it?” They both looked down. He had a point. They both had behaved poorly.

“I’m not really in the mood for a lecture right now, Noah.” Nicki told him.

“Well, that’s funny because I don't remember asking you ONE TIME what you were in the mood for.” He snapped. Nicki opened her mouth to say something else but stopped herself. “You know me. I usually keep quiet but this is taking it too far. You were ready to fight. In the room. With your son. THAT is a new low. Both of you should be ashamed of yourselves.”

“Why should I be ashamed when all I did was tell the truth?” said Nicki.

“It’s not ABOUT the truth. This isn’t the fucking TIME! And he didn’t give him this. Stop trying to pass around blame. You're just as guilty as him. You didn’t have to argue with him, but you did. So if it’s his fault Malaki is in here, it’s your fault too. You’re always looking for somebody to blame & I'm SICK of it. Nothing is ever Nicki’s fault. It’s always Drake, or your parents, or your career, or even your son! No. it’s YOU. Nobody can make you do anything, as you always make so perfectly clear. You always claim to be “the boss”, well guess what? When shit hits the fan, the BOSS is usually to blame!” At this point, he was in her face, yelling. Try as he might, Drake couldn’t stand idle while she was being scolded. He positioned himself between them, outstretching his arm, blocking 40 from further access.

“C’mon man, chill.” Drake said in a low tone. He agreed with everything he was saying but the broken look on Nicki’s face pained him. His natural instincts couldn’t help but take over.

“NO! Stop it! This half her problem! You are always in the way, defending her!”

“Well, I'm not bout to let you just yell hat her, son.”

“See what I mean?!?! SHE PLAYED YOU! How bad does she have to hurt you before you WAKE UP!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!”

“Well I'm glad everybody seems to know exactly what I'm thinking. Especially since I don't even know half the time. But yup, I played you. Thanks for clearing that up 40.” She saluted him mockingly.

“So you just goin sit here & tell me you didn’t play him? He loves you, yet you give him NOTHING in return.” 40 said.

“I don't know what I'm doing half the time! How can you stand here & judge me?! IS YOUR KID DYING?!” she screamed.

“I'm DYING!” 40 screamed back. The corridor was silent except for the sound of 40 breathing. Even though it was something they already knew, 40 saying those words really stunned them. His battle with multiple sclerosis was a stressful one, one that nobody liked to talk about since he was usually in high spirits about it. This was the first time either of them had heard him talk about his mortality with such pain & conviction in his voice. It was very sobering. Once he regulated his breathing, he cleared his throat, talking again. “But that doesn’t mean I get to act like an asshole & hurt all the people around me that I love. You're not the only one hurting. Yes, that’s your son &, you're right, I'm not a parent, so I can’t imagine what it must feel like to see your child fighting for his life. But that’s exactly the point. HE'S fighting. Not you. How do you think we feel when all of us that love him have to not only watch him suffer, but see his parents act so STUPID? Every time you guys start having problems, he’s paying the price. Like….I don't get how the message could get any clearer for you. Malaki, the messenger. The message is to get your shit together, at least for him. You won’t have any more chances after this so fix it. Don't fucking patch it up just so you can get through this. FIX IT. I knew I probably wouldn’t get to see him grow up, but I'm really gonna hate you if it’s because he dies first.” With his words hanging in the air, he turned & walked back down the hall to Malaki’s room, leaving them to digest what he had said.

The ride back to their home was a long one. Drake kept looking over, stealing glances of Nicki as he drove. The silence was deafening. They were a little over a mile away when she finally spoke.

“What the hell is your problem?” He looked away, shaking his head.

“Nothing.”

“If you got something to say, you need to just say it.”

“What do you want me to say?”

“How about sorry for getting me caught up in your emotional bullshit?!”

“MY emotional bullshit?!?!”

“Yes! If you knew how to keep your cool, we wouldn’t be in this shit!” Drake was furious. It was like nothing that was said earlier had sunk in. she still blames everyone else for her problem.  He couldn’t deal with this. He sped into the driveway, screeching to a stop, letting the SUV idle in park.

“Get out.” He said finally.

“What?” she asked, shocked.

“I can’t stay here with you. Get out.”

“So, you’re just gonna leave me here to deal with all of this by myself?!” she screamed furiously.

“If anything happens, Koyoa has my number. I won’t be far.”

“Where are yo-“

“Where I go & what I do are no longer your concern. Get out.” She continued to stare at him in disbelief as his eyes remained fixed on the windshield. She couldn’t believe he was serious.

“No.” she said, trying her hardest to fight her tears. He let his eyes close slowly, huffing out a breath to calm down. Without warning, he leaned over to her, unbuckling her seatbelt & opening her door, before sitting back in his seat, gripping the steering wheel tightly. A sound that could only be described as a whimper fell from her lips. This wasn’t happening was all she kept thinking. But it was, & she was furious. Without saying a word, she got out & slammed the door violently behind her, the window rattling from the force. As soon as she took a step back, he reversed out of the driveway, gravel sputtering in every direction as he left. She stood there in the frigid night air, arms crossed over her chest, as she watched him disappear into the night. With a heavy heart, she walked into her house. Each step seemed to further cement the fact that Drake was gone. Soon, she found herself lingering in front of Malaki’s door. After stepping inside, she flicked on the light & looked around. The room felt cold & empty. Like not only was he not there but his very presence was fading away bit by bit. She ran her fingertips gingerly over his things. The bottle he had been drinking, his teddy bear that lay in the corner, his favorite muslin blanket with the blue stars on it. She bunched it up in her hands, feeling how worn it had become. She brought it to her face, inhaling the smell. The sweet scent of her milk blended with the powdery smell of Malaki’s skin. She let her tears soak the fabric as she breathed deep, picking up a different scent. This 1 was deeper, heavier. Mossy & leathery like nature but still soft & gentle at the same time. It was an unmistakable smell. The lump in her throat grew larger. That single whiff of Drakkar Noir cologne was the scent of security. The smell of him. Crisp, sensual, magnetic, comforting, distinct. The one thing that always let her know that he was here. This smell combined with the other two was the smell of her family, & because of her careless actions, she may never smell it again.

Nicki had known for months that she needed help caring for Malaki. With her depression, he was just too much for her to handle alone. She was constantly worried about what would happen to him next. Always afraid that after his traumatic birth & heart transplant, that something would happen & she wouldn’t know what to do. Besides that, she felt like she needed to do this. Her mother was such a strong woman. She managed to take care of her & her brothers for most of their lives with no help. She admired her so much that it would seem like a disappointment if she couldn’t do this. She needed to be able to take care of her son on her own. But she couldn’t. She felt like such a failure. Everything she had ever wanted in life had been right in front of her & she hadn’t noticed it until right now. Everything was slipping away from her & she couldn’t handle it.

What’s wrong with me? That was the question she asked herself over & over again. All this time she had been trying to find the answer when she already knew. She was messed up. A failure. Destroyed. With her world breaking all around her, she made a realization that she was always afraid to make. She was the problem. She was the reason why everything was going wrong & she knew just how to fix it. She placed the blanket delicately in the crib & walked out of the room. Down the hall, she ran herself a bath. The water was hot, almost scalding. But she didn’t mind. She hit play on her iPod before stripping off her clothes. She looked at herself in the mirror, running her hands over her cold skin. She kept wondering how & why she had single handedly ruined her life. The more she thought about it, the worse she felt. Without her family, she had nothing left. But who cared? Who would miss her when she was gone? Why would they? She was beginning to think that everything would be better if…she didn’t exist.

She stepped into the deep tub & laid back, the water stinging her skin. She didn’t move for a while; only staring into the water to keep away the torture that blinking caused. Every time she closed her eyes, she saw them. Malaki’s smile. His eyes that were so wide & deep. Drake’s scruffy facial hair, that was always like a security blanket to her. She could almost feel his lips kissing her, cascading down her neck. The phantom touch of his absent hands roaming her as he kissed over her heart while he whispered “I love you” over & over again. His voice was soothing to her, but it was fading. She submerged her body in the water, trying to keep a hold onto his whispers. Her life played like a movie in fast forward in her mind. Meeting Drake, falling in love with him, having their son & finally their trip to Trinidad. They were all so happy. It was perfect. She felt a rush overcome her as she remembered how it felt making love to Drake on that beach. The gritty sand underneath her, his strong, toned body on top of her. Every bite, every scratch, moan, jerk & whisper reeled in front of her until there was only the image of her lips as she breathed “I love you, Aubrey”.

And then darkness & sorrow was all around her. A burning sensation rose in her chest. In seconds she emerged, gasping for air. She couldn’t believe it. As she wiped her eyes, she realized all the good times they had, passed right in front of her but she was so wrapped up in herself, she nearly missed them. Drake had been right all along. She never looked beyond herself for anyone, not even her son. Always pretending she didn’t need anyone. And now when she needed them the most, they weren’t here & might not ever come back. Try as she might, she couldn’t deal with what she had done. She needed something else to focus on, but it was no use. The faint tinkling of his sharp words came rushing back to her.

“You're so self-centered…”

“The only person you care about is YOU!”

“Do you love me?”

“What more do a nigga gotta do?”

“I swear to GOD I love you…”

“I just don't know why it wasn’t enough…”

His last words lingered. She wanted to scream at the top of her lungs & tell him she did need him. She had always needed him. He was her center of gravity. But he was too far away. He would never hear her. It was too late.

She reached down to the wire basket that stretched horizontally across the frame of her tub & pulled it closer. She pulled out her bar of soap & ran it over her damp skin, hoping that the cleanser would absolve her of her wrongdoings. Realizing that it wouldn’t, she let the bar sink to the bottom of the tub before reaching for her shave gel & razor. She then lifted her leg from the water & applied the gel, working it into a lather, before letting the cold steel glide over her skin. Once her legs were cleanly shaven, she ghosted her fingers over them, feeling how smooth they were. It was as if the hair had never grown. This is when she had an epiphany. With just 1 swipe, the problem was resolved. Just. One. Swipe. Before she could think about it, the shave gel was back in her hand, banging against the razor that she held against the side of the tub until the flimsy plastic frame around the blades broke. She used her thumb nail to jimmy the plastic apart, removing a single thin blade. She held it up in front of herself, watching as the light danced across it. Closing her eyes once more, she tried to focus on their faces, but her vision was blurry. The images were fleeting for her mind just as they were disappearing from her life. That’s when she knew she didn’t want to exist in a world where they weren’t with her. She let her left hand fall leisurely against the side of the tub, palm up & stared at the throbbing blue vein that extended up her forearm. She took a deep breath, calming herself, before steading the blade between her fingers. With surgeon like precision, she made 1 swift cut across her wrist. Just as she reached the edge of her skin, lightning struck, scaring her & causing her to drop the blade to the floor. She cursed herself as the lights flickered before returning to normal. A soft hum could be heard in the background. The generator had been activated, which meant the power must be out around town.

She looked at her wrist. Her skin looked almost completely undisturbed. She flexed her fingers & then she saw it. A sliver of red, seeping through the broken skin. Soon it became a line. A line that continued to extend down her wrist, to a drop that landed in the water with a plop. The color spread until it was pink& finally faded away. But soon, there was another. Then another. Too many for the water to dissolve this time. What had she done? Immediately, guilt enveloped her & deep , heaving sobs escaped her. She ran her right hand through her hair before bringing her knees to her chest. She cried until her tears ran out & her throat was raw. After a long while, she laid back, closing her swollen eyes, blocking out everything but the lulling tone of the melody that played in the distance.

“And I never felt so low.

Your love is all I know.

I can’t stop thinkin’ ‘bout the way we used to be.

This is so difficult.

My wound is healing slow.

All I know I need you to come & rescue me.

I can’t find shelter, drownin’ in pain.

Livin’ life without you just ain’t the same…cuz you're not here.

It’s raining in my room.

And I can’t swim.

Sink & won’t win.

Supposed to be my lifeguard, baby dive in.

But you gotta hurry…

Cuz it’s raining in my room.

Raining in my…”

And there was just a melody.

And then there was just nothing.

A few miles away, Drake was in the elevator, on his way to his suite on the 11^th floor. The doors opened & strolled down the corridor, in no particular hurry. He absentmindedly flipped his keys around his left index finger, making them jingle over & over. When he approached his door, he pulled out his key card & swiped it in the lock. The light turned green & then a click let him know that he was free to enter. He kicked off his shoes in the entranceway & shrugged his coat off & threw it with his duffle bag, over the office chair that resided by the desk. Finally he flopped down on the bed with a heavy sigh, his hands washing over his face. The day had drained him & he wanted nothing more than to go to sleep. But his muscles were tense & he smelled of rain & dirt. He stripped, leaving his clothes in a heap at the end of the bed & got in the shower. Once he was clean, he stepped out, not bothering to dry off or put on new clothes & within seconds, he was out.

Hearing the light knock on the door, 16 year old Aubrey groaned. His mother’s knocking had interrupted the best dream about Beyoncé. And for what?

“It’s time for school.” She said sweetly. School. He hated school . “C’mon hunny, let’s go.” He grunted at her as he heard her tiny feet shuffle away from the door. He rolled out of the bed, on to the floor, his fall cushioned by a pair of Nike Dunks he left near his bed the night before. After a moment of incoherent mumbling, he got up & headed for the bathroom. He hit play on his stereo before walking over to his mirror, admiring himself. An upbeat tempo played that excited him as he set the water temperature. He stepped in the shower, rapping along, not missing a beat.

“…trustin no man
Got my glock cocked, runnin this thing, ya understand
We be steamin, blazin, nines pumped in caves and
Hollygrove 17th, the hood where I was raised in
Niggaz bustin heads and, runnin duckin Feds and
rocks under they tongues and, ki's under they beds and
do it for the real niggaz, twenty-four seven hustlers
EHHH, until we shove a barrel down ya pipe suckers
Ain't no love for them busta, no pimp for no coward.”

He spit Lil’ Wayne’s rhymes as if he had written them himself. The allure of a rapper’s lifestyle had captivated him as of late. Writing his own rhymes & dreaming up beats that he banged out on his walls late at night had taken up all of his spare time. Not that he had a lot of it. Between school, acting & helping his mother around the house, his average amount of sleep per night was about 4 hours. But he wouldn’t quit. He was determined to make this work. Especially since his mother would never let up on him spending $1,600 on a microphone that left her account overdraft $300. After his shower, he dressed quickly in dark blue ROCAWEAR jeans, white t-shirt & blue yellow & white hoodie. He was then at his computer, trying to put together a quick mixed cd to get him through the day. Jay-Z, NAS, Mario. By accident, he double clicked on an older music file. Juvenile’s “Back Dat Azz Up” blared through his speakers. He smiled to himself. Yeah, this was defiantly going on there. He let the song play as he hopped over to his closet. Scanning over the many pairs shoes he had, he finally decided on a pair of all white Air Force 1’s. He was just slipping them on his sock clad feet, when his mother opened the door.

“Aubrey, really? How can you listen to this?” she asked, shaking her head. He rolled his eyes.

“It’s just music, mom. Relax.” He reached over, turning down the volume.

“Well I need you to hurry so I can drop you off at school.” She said, making her exit.

“What? Drop me off? Why?” he asked, following her.

“Because, Aubrey, I have things to do.” She stopped at the fridge, pulling a few Tupperware containers out.

“Like what, why can’t I just take you?”

“Because, you can’t.” She said, exasperated.

“But you TOLD me I could drive to school now.”

“And you can, just not today.”

“This is lame. I don't know why you're making it such a big deal. I can drop you off at work & pick you up.”

“Well, I'm not going to work today.”

“Where are you going?”

“TO THE HOSPITAL, AUBREY!” He was quiet, taking in what she said. He had known for a while that the autoimmune disease that had plagued her over the years had begun to get worse. A few days before, he had found a prescription for new painkillers on the dining room table & the amount of empty cigarette packs in the garbage had picked up. She avoided his concerned gaze, making herself busy around the kitchen, packing his lunch.

“Is it serious?” he said in a low tone.

“I’m just going for some tests.” She told him as she stuffed his lunch into his backpack. “There’s a tuna sandwich in there, fruit & some chips. Gatorade too. Please don't complain. I'm not in the mood. We don't have money for you to buy lunch today.”

“It’s ok mom.” He said pulling her into a hug. “It’s ok.” He kissed the crown of her head. Holding back her tears, she pushed herself away, patting his chest softly.

“Let’s get you to school, ok?” she handed him his backpack. He slung it over his shoulder & followed her outside. It wasn’t long before she was pulling into the bus loop at Forrest Hill Collegiate.

”Do you have everything you need?” Sandi asked her son as the idled in front of the school, Shania Twain’s “Man, I Feel Like A Woman” playing on the radio.

“I'm fine mom.” He replied. He opened the door, stepping out. He looked around, noticing the snickers from his peers as the watched him.

“Have a good day, sweetie!” she exclaimed. This seemed to make them laugh harder. As he walked up the stairs he caught one of the students looking at him.

“Have a good day, sweetie!” the boy mocked before bursting into laughter. Drake, now angry & embarrassed, furiously pulled his hood over his head & walked into the building.

The day dragged on & before Aubrey knew it, it was lunch time. Most of his friends had gone out to lunch but he, feeling embarrassed that he had no money, declined by making up a lie about his mother never letting him see the light of day if he didn’t finish a science project, which he had secretly finished weeks ago. He sat in his English class across from his teacher as he pulled out his lunch.

“Looks like tuna is popular today?” his teacher, Mr. Apner , a man that couldn’t be older than his late 20’s, joked, waving his own sandwich.

“Guess so.” Aubrey said in a monotone voice. It was quiet for a beat before Mr. Apner spoke again.

“So…how are those raps coming?” Aubrey looked up at him & laughed.

“They’re coming.”

“Really now? Mind sharing one?” Aubrey raised his brow at him.

“Ummm…no.”

“Oh, come on! You say a rap & then I’ll say one back.”

“No, that’s ok. Really.” Aubrey chuckled.

“Oh, you want me to go first? I can show you my MAD skills.”

“The fact that you said ‘MAD skills’ lets me know that you don’t have any.” They were both laughing hysterically.

“Ok, maybe not. But I can tell by your essays that you're a great writer. If you keep at it, who knows, you might be a really great rapper one day.” Aubrey contemplated what he said. Writing had always come naturally to him. Whenever he talked to his friends they always seemed to be so captivated, hanging on to every word. He knew that music was what he loved but this was the first time he had actually thought that making it a living was a real possibility.

“Yeah,” Aubrey said, “maybe.” Mr. Apner smiled.

“Hey, if it doesn’t work out, you could always be an English teacher. Then one day you’ll have a kid in your classroom just like you & you can brag to him about your mad skills.” They both laughed again. “Hey I'm going to get a soda. You want one?”

“No thanks.” Aubrey said holding up his Gatorade. Mr. Apner hopped off his desk & shrugged.

“Suit yourself, dawg.” He said, laughing his way down the hall. Aubrey rolled his eyes before continuing to eat his sandwich. He was almost finished with his lunch when he heard some student coming down the hall. Thomas, the boy that had teased him that morning, walked in, followed by a few of his friends.

“Sup, Jimmy?” he said in a mocking tone. Aubrey didn’t even look at him. “Wow big superstar eats his lunch in private now.”

“What do you want?” Aubrey huffed.

“Oooooh, momma’s boy getting angry!” Everyone laughed. Except Aubrey.

“Was that supposed to be funny? Because I'm not laughing.”

“Yeah well neither was your mom when she was at my house last night.” Aubrey sprang up from his seat.

“Don’t talk about my mom, son.” He said, getting in the boy’s face.

“Or what? You gonna hit me? Like I was hittin your mom las-“  Thomas didn’t even have a chance to finish his sentence before Aubrey’s fist was connecting with his jaw. The boy stumbled back but before he could regain his bearings, Aubrey was hitting him again. This time in his stomach. Thomas doubled over in pain. Again, Aubrey hit him. Thomas hit the ground with a thud. In seconds, Aubrey was on top of the boy, punching him repeatedly. The rest of the world was irrelevant. The only thing he wanted to focus on was channeling his energy into his fists & beating the heel out of Thomas. It wasn’t until he heard Mr. Apner yelling his name & pulling him away that he realized Thomas wasn’t fighting back anymore. He was in a fit of coughing while in the fetal position. He didn’t resist as his teacher pushed him out of the classroom screaming “GO!” looking to his left, he noticed his backpack on the ground. He slung it over his shoulder & walked away.

“You should be very ashamed of yourself, Aubrey.” His uncle, Steven, said to him as he drove him home. “What got into you today?” Aubrey hadn’t spoken since the fight. He simply sat, staring out the window as the rain made lined patterns on the surface. “Well!” Steven yelled. “Say something for yourself!”

“What do you want me to say?! He pissed me off so I hit him.” Aubrey snapped.

“You can’t let people make you THAT angry over words, son.”

“Well, I'm not about to just do nothing while people talk about my mom. I dint care what they say about me, but they won’t talk about her. Not in front of me.”  Steven sighed.

“Aubrey, I know you want to protect your mother. But people are going to talk. They do it just to upset you. Especially in high school. You can’t let them get to you. How do you think your mother’s going to feel when I go in here & tell her you got suspended from school?”  Aubrey closed his eyes. At the time, all he could think about is defending his mother’s honor. He didn’t think about how him getting in trouble would stress her out. Shame washed over him. The Lexus eased to a stop against the curb in front of his house. They both got out & went inside.

“Aubrey, is that you?” Sandi called out.

“Yeah.” He said in a low tone.

“Hey sweetie.” She looked past him & noticed that her brother was standing there.

“Steven, what are you doing here?” he said nothing. “Oh no, what happened?” The two men took a seat as Aubrey’s uncle explained to his mother what took place earlier that day. Sandi couldn’t say anything, a pained expression on her face. Aubrey hung his head in shame.   “Aubrey. I know that high school is hard. I know that children are mean & can say hurtful things. But if they’re not true, why do you let it bother you so much?”

“I don't know. I just feel like if someone talks about you, I have to defend you.”

“Hunny, you don't have to defend me.”

“Somebody has to! You’re all alone. Nobody is here for you.”

“Aubrey,” Sandi said. “I've raised you for 11 years here by myself. People say things about me everyday. I'm divorced, raising you all on my own. And heaven knows they say things about me being with your father. But I don't go around hurting people because they talk. Yes the things they say hurt me but when I react by saying something back or fighting, they win.”

“Well, I'm not you!”

“But how you act reflects on me. When you do things like this you make people think I'm not doing my job. That I'm a bad mother.” Aubrey let this sink in. the severity of what he had done was finally hitting him. He didn’t think that what he had done would reflect on her & now that he knew that it did, he felt terrible.

“Mom, I'm sorry. I didn’t mean to make it harder for you or upset you.” She sighed.

“I'm not upset. Just disappointed.”  She turned to Steven, letting Aubrey know she was done talking to him for now. He got to his feet & headed to his room.  He let himself fall back on his bed & sighed. It had been a long day & he was stressed. He had really let his mother down today & it was all over words. He shouldn’t be acting this way. He was a man & men didn’t lose it when people made fun of them. His mother had raised him better than that. His eyelids were heavy. He let them fall shut. He let his mind go blank & sleep take over.

He jumped up at the sound of his phone. He searched frantically thru the sheets until he found it & quickly pressed the talk button.

“Hello?”

“Hey Drake, it’s Koyoa.”

“Koyoa. Good morning. What’s up? Is everything ok?”

“Everything is fine now but last night, Malaki experienced a little bit of sleep apnea.”

“What? What does that mean?”

“It just means that he stopped breathing in his sleep. But trust me, he’s fine now. Just wanted to keep you in the loop the only thing is this really doesn’t count as an improvement.” Drake was silent. His breathing stopped. This is not what he had hoped to hear. “Drake? You still there, sweetie?” he forced the lump in his throat down.

“Yeah, I'm here.” He choked out.

“I won’t know the results of his new blood work until about 3 today but I just wanted to call & let you know.” Swinging his feet over the edge of the bed, he pinched the bridge of his nose & sighed.

“Alright. T-thank you.”

“Hey, is Nicki ok? I tried calling but she didn’t answer.”

“I don't know. I’ll check on her on my way to the hospital.” Koyoa paused for a moment. She wanted to ask why he wasn’t with her & what had happened the night before but decided against it.

“Ok sweetie. See you soon.” Drake hung up & tossed his phone on a pillow. He got up, going to the bathroom. After relieving himself, he looked in the mirror while washing his hands. He seemed to have aged decades. His eyes were rimmed red & the bags under them had become darker. He sighed at his appearance before washing his face & getting dressed. He took 1 last look around the room before heading downstairs to check out. He hopped in his car & pulled off. While he drove, he tried to think of what the right thing to say to Nicki would be, but he came up with nothing. Before long, he was pulling into the driveway, the gravel crunching under his tires until he came to a stop. Feeling awkward about just using his key, he knocked on the door. No answer. After 2 more attempts, he fished his key out of his pocket & unlocked the door. The house was silent & everything was dark.

“Nicki?” he called out. He tried flicking on the switch, but nothing happened. He was starting to feel worried. “Onika!” he called out again while climbing the stairs. He went straight for their room, pulling back the covers & looking in the bathroom but she wasn’t there. Back down the hall, he peeked hesitantly into the crack in the door into his room. There she was, perched on the window seat, staring out into the barren forest. Her knees were to her chest & the only thing she had on was gray crewneck sweater & underwear. She had to be freezing.  He pushed the door open slowly. She looked at him, tears on her face, her eyes empty of any emotion. “Hey,” Drake said softly. “I was calling you, why didn’t you answer?” she turned back around to the window. “Why isn’t the heat on? And where are your clothes?”

“The power went out last night & the generator ran out of fuel.” She said in a soft tone. A pang of guilt hit him. She had been here all night probably freezing. He spotted a quit in the corner & scooped it up quickly & draped it over her naked skin.

“Sweetheart, why didn’t you call me? You must be freezing.”

“I'm not cold.”

“You sure? I can almost see my breath in here.” He said, trying to lighten the mood with a chuckle. But her eyes were still fixed on the window.

“I don't feel anything.” He looked at her face. Her eyes were puffy & red & deep, dark circles were under them. But the most shocking part if it all was the color. They were a dull, flat brown that just looked out hauntingly, no sign of the spark she once had in them. It was like the person sitting before him was merely an empty vessel. The real Nicki was lost. He brought his hand up & caressed her face. She didn’t even blink. Her skin was chalky & cold, so unlike the soft velvety skin he was used to feeling. He called her name softly.

“Nicki, are you ok baby?” he asked her. She didn’t answer. He wanted to be frustrated but because of the way she was looking, he couldn’t bring himself to be. He took her fragile hand in his, rubbing soft circles on her skin before kissing it. “Nicki, I just wanted to say I'm so sorry about what happened yesterday. It was wrong of me to snap at you like that & I shouldn’t let my anger get the best of me. I just want you to know that I won’t do it again. Now is the time for me to be strong for you & hold it together. We both are going to need all the strength we can muster to get through this time. So just know that…well, that I'm here for you. Ok?” He looked at her, hoping for a response, but she never moved. He sighed heavily & got to his feet. “I'm gonna go look at the fuse box. Try to get this heat on. Then, I'm gonna get some more fuel for the generator. I won’t be long.” When he reached the doorway he looked back at her once more. He started to ask her if she needed anything but he knew she wouldn’t say anything. He nervously rubbed the frame of the door before reluctantly taking off.

Four hours later, Drake had reset the fuse box, refilled the generator with propane, brought Nicki food & sat silently with her. She didn’t eat anything. Finally he was back at the hospital. He was sitting in a rocker, holding Malaki as he drank his bottle. He was dozing off in his father’s arms when Koyoa came in.

“Geeze, you look beat baby. Everything ok?” she asked as she sat down next to him. Drake rubbed his forehead.

“I don't know, Koy. I'm worried.”

“About what, hun?” she asked as she took the child from his arms to check his vitals.

“Well, Ki, obviously. But I'm worried about Nicki too. I just don't know what I can do to help her. I'm trying to let her know I'm here for her but she just…she seems so lost. I found her sitting in his room just staring into space. I feel like I really messed up yesterday. I shouldn’t have acted like that with her.”

“Oh sweetie, don't beat yourself up about it. She’s been like this for a while now. This really hard for her. For her this is kinda like what happened when he was born all over again. She was so scared for him then. All you can do is be there for her & you're doing that. She’ll come around, don't worry.” She placed Malaki in his crib on his back & kissed his cheek. “Just make sure you take some time out for you. You gotta fall apart sometimes too. Can’t help anybody if you don't help yourself.”

“Me? I don't have time to worry about me. I gotta think about my family.”

“Yeah I know. They’re so lucky to have you. But with everybody leaning on you, you gotta make sure you have someone to fall back on too. You know I'm here if you ever need to talk.” She patted his shoulder, giving him a sympathetic look. He half smiled.

“Thank you.” He said. “Really.” She leaned in & kissed his forehead before leaving the room. Once she was gone, he relaxed him his chair, exhaling deeply. He was tired. He knew he needed some sleep, but he couldn’t stand to see Nicki again just yet. He figured he was probably too tired to drive home anyway. He let his eyes close tried to get some sleep.

For the next 2 weeks, they had fallen into a routine. Drake would go up to the hospital early, then come home & tell Nicki about Malaki’s condition over dinner that she hardly ever ate. He had been stable until just about a day ago. His fever had spiked & he had stopped breathing. His lungs had filled with fluid, making it hard for him to breathe. Even though she never said anything, it felt good for Drake to keep Nicki in the loop. Their second day home, he tried to convince her to go back up to see him, but their talk ended in her crying hysterically. He didn’t ask her again.

It was the day before his 1^st birthday when Drake came walking into the hospital. His spirits were high. He was coming in for his daily visit, bringing in an early birthday present for his son. But as soon as he stepped on the floor, he knew something was wrong. He walked down the hall to Malaki’s room, but when he got there, it was empty. He dropped the present to the ground & sprinted to the nurse’s station.

“Excuse me, where is my son?”

“I'm sorry?” the woman behind the desk asked.

“My SON. Malaki Graham. Where is he?!?” he asked nervously. The woman looked down at a clipboard in front of her.

“He’s in OR 2. If you wait a moment, I ca-“ Drake didn’t give her a chance to finish her sentence before sprinting off down the hall, heading for the operating room. He was almost to the double doors when Maria came running to him.

“Drake, thank god you're here!” she said, panting.

“What happened, why didn’t anyone call me?!” he asked, frantic.

“I tried but I didn’t get an answer. Malaki was rushed to surgery. He’s almost done.” Drake reached in his pocket but found that it was empty. He realized he had left his phone in the car. He sighed heavily while shaking his head.

“Dammit!!!” he yelled. He paced the floor until he heard the swish of the double doors open again.

“I'm sorry, baby but I just couldn’t wait for you to get here. I called your mother & got consent from her.”

“Its fine, its fine. I-is her ok?!”

“He's alright for now.” She said as she pulled the protective gown from around her. “He stopped breathing again. The medicine we’ve been giving him to treat the MRSA weakened his kidneys. It caused them to stop functioning. I was going to put him on dialysis so his blood could get cleaned but the fluid buildup in his lungs & on his heart was too great. I had to take him to surgery.”

“SO is he ok now? Is he gonna be alright?” he asked. Koyoa looked at Maria, then back at him.

“I can keep pulling the fluid off with dialysis but all of this stress isn’t good for him. If I keep putting such a strain on his heart…it’s gonna give out.”

“Ok so we’ll just get him another one, right? I mean, how hard can it be?”

“Aubrey, it was by the grace of GOD that he got his 1^st heart. A lot of kids wait for years; some even die on that transplant list. There’s no way the board is gonna go for giving him another one.”

“So what can I do?!?!?!” Koyoa hung her head.

“If there isn’t an improvement in a few days……I'm not sure there’s anything we can do.” Drake turned away from them, both hands over his head. “I'm so sorry, baby. I'm not gonna stop doing everything I can. But I think you & Nicki should both be here. There’s some things I want to discuss with the both of you, should things take a turn for the worst.” He let his hands wash over his face.

“This isn’t happening.” He said somberly.

“He’s in recovery now if you wanna go see him.”

“I have to get Nicki. I have to tell her.”

“I understand. He’s alright right now. I'm not going anywhere.” He walked over to her & pulled her to his chest.

“Thank you so much for everything you’re doing. For everything you’ve done.” He turned around & headed for the door, preparing to tell Nicki the unimaginable.

Drake walked in slowly, closing the door. He sighed heavily, still feeling the weight of what Koyoa had told him at the hospital. Frustrated, he threw his keys at the wall. This was really happening. Just a few short weeks ago, they were all having the time of their lives in Trinidad. Now today, he could possibly be picking out his son’s casket. And to top it all off, he had to try & explain to Nicki what was going on, which he wasn’t looking forward to. But it had to be done. He wouldn’t make these decisions without her.

He trudged up the stairs & pushed open the door to Malaki’s room. She still sat perched on the window seat in the same crew neck & panties he had found her in the night after the storm. Her arms wrapped around her knees as Dricki lay at her feet. Her cold eyes remained fixed on the lifeless trees just beyond the glass. He walked over & took a seat next to her.

“Nicki,” he said slowly. “I need you to go get dressed. We have to go to the hospital now.” She didn’t move. “Nicki, I'm not kidding. This is serious. We have to go talk to Koyoa.”

“I'm not going.” She whispered.

“What do you mean you're not going?” he asked confused.

“I'm staying here.” Drake rolled his eyes & huffed, flustered.

“I don't have time for this. Let’s go.” He said, pulling her arm. She flinched back quickly & in that split second, drake noticed something he never saw before. “What is that?” he asked.

“What?”

“Let me see your arm.”

“Aubrey…”

“Give me your arm.” He pulled her wrist toward him forcefully, pushing up her sleeve. He trained his eyes on the puffy wound across her wrist. “what is this?”

“It’s nothing.” She said as she pulled her arm from him, pulling down her sleeve.

“What do you mean nothing?! You cut yourself!”

“So what? What are you making it a big deal?”

“Nicki you tried to kill yourself!!!”

“Well obviously, I was unsuccessful.” She said obnoxiously.

“Well, thank god! What were you thinking?!?! How could you be that selfish?”

“SELFISH?!”

“Yes! You were just gonna kill yourself. Did you think about how that would affect the rest of us?!”

“wow, I'm sorry me killing myself would’ve made your life harder.” She scoffed.

“It’s not just about that. What would your mother do?!?! Losing her only grandson AND possibly her only daughter? Then, what about ki, huh?! And yes, what about me?!”

“What ABOUT you?! You don't need me! This whole time, you’ve been acting so calm, like you're ok with all of this. bit I cant do that. I'm sorry, but I actually love my son.” Drake turned to her, eyebrows raised.

“What the fuck you tryin to say, nic?” he asked.

“all I'm sayin is, this entire time, you’ve been acting like this is all natural. Like this is all part of the plan. Everyone else is losing their fucking MINDS! But not Aubrey! Aubrey is good.” She mocked. Drake shook his head.

“You know what, Nicki? I don't like what you're insinuating so I'm gonna chalk it up to you being hurt & being CRAZY & I'm gonna go. You can stay here & cut yourself if that’s what you wanna do, but I'm going to be with my son so that he can actually see that one of his parents is there for him.” Nicki staled after him as he headed for the door.

“That’s right, leave. Go ahead, just like your father.”

“Yeah & you're mother of the year.” He laughed. This infuriated her. she grabbed a picture frame off the dresser &launched it at him with all of her might. He moved just in time to see it shatter against the wall. “Still haven’t gotten a hold of those personalities yet, eh?  I see roman is making an appearance.” As the last word left his tongue, Nicki walked up to him & punched him square in the jaw. He let his face hang to the left as he wiped the blood from his chin. Nicki shoved & hit him as she screamed.

“DON'T TELL ME ABOUT WHAT KIND OF PARENT I've BEEN. I CARRIED HIM. I GAVE BIRTH TO HIM. AND EVERY NIGHT THAT WE ARGUED & YOU LEFT, I WAS HERE WITH HIM. THROUGH EVERY EAR INFECTION, TOOTH ACHE, COLD & FIT FROM COLIC. I PRAY FOR HIM. I CRY FOR HIM WHILE YOU PRANCE AROUND HERE LIKE EVERYTHING IS FINE. YOU DO THIS BECAUSE IF IT WASN’T FOR YOU, NONE OF THIS WOULD’VE HAPPENED. THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT & YOU KNOW IT SO THAT GUILT EATS AWAY AT YOU. YOU DON'T LOVE HIM. YOU NEVER LOVED HIM!!!!!”

When the words feel from her lips, something happened inside Drake. Something he couldn’t explain. It was as if he had forgotten who either of them was. He turned quickly on the balls of his feet & lunged at Nicki. His forearm came in hard contact with her throat, but he didn’t stop. His body kept going until they both slammed into the wall. His free fist crushing into the drywall just beside her head. While he held her pinned there, not sure if she could breathe & not caring if she couldn’t.

“BITCH, DON'T YOU EVER TELL ME I DON'T LOVE MY SON!!!!!!!!!!” he screamed at her. Nicki nails dug p into his flesh trying desperately to pry herself free. He leaned into her. “YOU THINK EVEYBODY IS SUPPOSED TO ACT SELFISH IN WORTHLESS LIKE YOU?! ARE YOU DIYING??!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?” Her face was flushed & full of desperation. Her legs were kicking furiously beneath her as they hovered above the ground. Drake watched as tears rolled down her cheeks & felt as her chest heaved under his weight, struggling to hold on to what little breath she had left. Her arms were getting weaker.

“Aubrey, p-please!” she gasped. He looked into her eyes & for the first time in weeks he saw life in them. Life that he would soon take away if he didn’t let go. And with that realization, came a jolt of electricity inside him. something that seemed to wake him from his angry haze. He moved back, letting her body slump to the ground. She brought her hand to her sore neck as she coughed violently. Drake put both hands on his head, trying to get a hold of himself.

“I just don't know what you want from me.” He whispered, speaking more to himself than to anyone else. “ I mean…..I-I try to be strong & hold it together, but you act like that’s wrong. You want me to be like you? A maniac?!? That’s what you want, huh? IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT?!?!?” he shouted before throwing a book across the room. Over & over he screamed that phrase while destroying Malaki’s room. Punching holes & knocking over the furniture. Nicki struggled to her feet & tried to calm him down.

“Aubrey, stop this.” she said, reaching for his arm.

“GET AWAY FROM ME!” he screamed. He shoved her back hard. She slammed into the crib on the far side of the room, the side rail splintering from the force. Seeing this only seemed to elevate his anger. He didn’t want to hurt because he loved her & he knew he shouldn’t but he did want to because he felt she was to blame. Having these uncommon feelings of wanting to hurt her made a new anger rush over him. He was angry at himself. He pulled the dresser to the ground, all the items on its shelves toppling over. Nicki got up, trying again to calm him, but to no avail. He pushed past her to where the glider sat & picked it up.

“NO, Aubrey, DON'T!!!” she shrieked. But it was useless. The chair was already over his head as he carried it across the room. He used all his might to heave it out of the window. He stood there, watching the glass fall to pieces. The sound of the shatter was like thunder roaring from the heavens. Cold air rushed in, snow flurries danced around him as the winter wind bit at his damp skin. The glass crunched under his feet as he walked to the now open ledge. Below him were only skeletons of once fruitful trees & shrubs, littered over a fresh blanket of snow. He wondered if these empty bushed would break his fall. He hoped not…he wanted to be dead as soon as he hit the ground. His now tattered shirt flapped in the breeze like bird wings as he moved closer. He closed his eyes & let his mind go blank. He was ready to soar. He took a step forward & he felt his body move, but not in the way he had expected. He fell hard to the floor, his chest throbbing from the force of something falling on top of him. he opened his eyes to see Nicki panting as she hovered over him. she had stopped him. he got in an upright position & crab crawled away until he ran into the back wall. He looked around the room, taking in the damage. He balanced his elbows on his knees, his hands over his head, unable to believe he had caused all of this.as the severity of what he had done began to sink in, tears fell from his eyes. Suddenly, it was hard for him to breathe.

“What have I done?” is all he kept asking himself as he rocked back & forth. Nicki looked at him with teary eyes. She needed to get to him but tackling him over broken glass proved to be a bad idea. But she needed to get to him. She got up on all fours, crawled over to him & wrapped her arms around his shoulders.

“Get away from me.” He said, shrugging away from her. He had been just fine keeping everything in until she pushed him. This was all her fault. She had driven him insane. But he couldn’t help but feel like a failure. She shouldn’t be seeing him like this. Once again, his emotions had gotten the better of him. Nicki tried once more to put her arms around him, holding him tight.

“Get off me!” he cried. He tried to struggle away from her but she held her ground. She pulled him to her chest & whispered to him “NO.”

Something about the way she said that simple word made him feel like finally, it was ok to let go. Like falling apart would do so much more than keeping it together ever could. He needed to do this, for the both of them. Slowly, he laid his head in her lap. Nicki ran his hand over his hair gingerly.

“It’s ok.” She said sweetly as she began a rhythm of rubbing his hair. “It’s ok.”

He grasped at the soft fabric of her shirt, pulling at it. A pain was rising in his chest. He tried to force it down but he had been holding it in for so long, his strength was giving out. He began shaking, chocking on the lump that clogged his throat as he put up his last bit of fight. The lump was rising & his throat burned but before long, a terrible, mangled scream escaped him.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!”

The very last bit of his cry seemed strangled, caught in his throat. His chest burned again with the fire from the screams that he needed to let out. His body ached with pain from keeping it bottled up. He had to let it go. Finally, he had to let go. He screamed again as he rocked back & forth, clinging to Nicki. Again, he screamed & again & again until his body gave out. His voice blaring through the broken glass wall, echoing through the trees, deep into the forest, becoming softer & softer as the wind carried it farther out until finally being drowned out by the sound of the flowing stream.