REMINISCE

HELLO. I DON'T HAVE A WHOLE LOT TO SAY RIGHT NOW EXCEPT THANK YOU FOR CONTINUING TO SUPPORT ME & MY WRITING. I LOVE EACH & EVERY 1 OF YOU VERY MUCH. NEVER FORGET THAT. PRAYERS GO OUT TO MY FAVS. I KNOW NICKI & HER FAMILY ARE STILL MOURNING THE LOSS OF HER COUSIN & DRAKE & HIS FAMILY IS MOURNING THE LOSS OF HIS UNCLE. I HOPE THEY BOTH FIND PEACE & COMFORT. ANYWAY, ENJOY!



chapter 50

“C’mon baby, say mama.”

“No, say dada”

“Nooooooooooooo, say mama.”

Nicki swatted at Drake. He moved out of the way just in time.

“Don’t say that. Mama is a cuss word.”

“Would you shut up?!” She picked up a pillow & flung it at him as he laughed.

Things had been going pretty smooth over the past month. Nicki & drake were spending less time arguing & more time actually talking. Things weren’t perfect, but they were defiantly making progress. They were sitting in the living room, Malaki & Dricki sitting between them, on the soft carpet in front of the fireplace, when there was a knock on the door. Nicki got up & made her way to the door. She opened it & gasped.

“Tremaine! Hiii!”

“Hey baby.” He said in his sexy, baritone timbre. He hugged her tightly & placed a kiss on the top of her head before entering the house & closing the door behind him. Drake stood up & quickly crossed the room to greet his friend.

“Long time, no see.”

“Hell yeah! Look at you! Parenthood must be makin a nigga get lazy. I see you packin on the pounds, my nigga.” Trey said, pointing to Drake’s stomach.

“Fuck you, man.” Drake said, laughing.

“Yeah, too bad it wasn’t good to you like it was to Nicki. You look beautiful.” he said as he spun her around before gently kissing her hand.

“Awww, thank you.” she giggled. She laughed harder when she noticed Drake’s sour facial expression.

“But I'm tryin to see that baby, though. Where he at?” Trey looked over to the rug & saw the child sitting up, staring at him. He walked over & sat in front of him. “Hey, man! Come say what’s up to ya uncle Trey-Trey!” when he reached for Malaki, Dricki instinctively moved in front of him, glaring at Trey. “Hey, chill Kujo, I'm not gonna hurt him.”

“Dricki, chill.” Nicki said as she scooped the dog up in her arms & sat him down further away. Malaki stared at Trey for a while before looking over to his father.

“It’s ok. You can go.” Drake told his son. Malaki looked back at Trey & smiled as he crawled over to his new uncle. Trey picked him up & hugged him.

“Heeeeeeeeeeeeey, man. How you doin?” Trey said, holding the child out in front of him. Malaki looked at him with curious eyes. He grabbed hold of Trey’s shirt, steading himself in a standing position. He let one hand loosen grasp on his shirt & ducked down to grab his blanket. Drake & Nicki looked on as Malaki slowly turned around & plopped his diaper clad bottom in Trey’s lap. He snuggled deep into his uncle’s arms.

“He must be ready for his nap.” Drake said walking over, ready to take his son to bed. Trey held up his hand in protest.

“Chill dawg, I got this.” He said as he stood up & made his way to the sofa. He pulled Malaki close to his chest, letting his head rest in the crook of his arm. He pulled his blanket up around him, rocking him gently as he sang.

“Lullaby & goodnight. In the sky, stars are bright. Close your eyes, start to yawn. Pleasant dreams until the dawn. Close your eyes now & rest. Lay your head on my chest. Go to sleep now & rest. May your slumber be blessed.”

He continued to hum to the baby as he drifted off to sleep, his drool soaking the blanket that was now in his mouth.

“Not this nigga getting him right to sleep on the first day.” Nicki said as she crossed her arms over her chest.

“Swag.” Trey whispered as he looked down at Malaki’s sleeping frame. Nicki rolled her eyes before picking him up & carrying him to his room. “Man,” he said, “he sure is something. Look at his eyes! Ain’t nuttin you can do to keep them girls off him when he gets older.”

“I know. It drives Nicki crazy just thinkin about it.” Drake laughed.

“Yeah, I bet.” Trey said shaking his head. Nicki was just coming down the stairs. She walked over to the couch & flopped in between the two men. “What’s up with y’all, man? How y’all been?”

“We’re…..ok I guess.” Nicki said softly.

“You guess? What does that mean?” Trey asked.

“I mean, it hasn’t been perfect but we’re still here. Still together.”

“Yeah, I can see the love. But where is the romance? I remember y’all used to be all over each other. Y’all were like magnets. Couldn’t keep y’all apart even if I wanted to. What happened to that?” Drake & Nicki looked at each other for a while.

“I don’t know. I guess we’ve been so wrapped up in taking care of the baby that we haven’t really thought about it.” Drake said. Trey was about to say something, knowing that Drake was lying, but the look on Drake’s face let him know that it wasn’t the time.

“Well, at least you're still together. That’s the important thing. I was a lil worried for a while. Glad to see y'all got shit figured out. What was that crazy bitch’s name? Mariah?”

“Maliah.” Nicki said.

“Whatever. Crazy bitch. I still can’t believe she punched me in my face! I could’ve killed that hoe!”

“Yeah, we all could’ve. Thank god she hasn’t been around. I don’t think I could contain my anger if I saw her again.” Said Drake. He said in a way that was almost scary. They couldn’t imagine Drake hurting someone but the way he said that let them know that he was serious.

“So,” Nicki interjected, anxious to change the subject, “what’s been goin on with you Trey? How’s the real world been?”

“Aww, you know, same ol’ shit, just a different day. You’d know if you were out there. When we goin get some new music? A cd, a mixtape, a single, something!”

“I don’t know man, but I can’t wait to get out there. It’s been a long time.” Drake said, excited.

“Yeah, but I mean I know y’all gotta make sure home is straight first. But I know the fans miss y’all.”

“I know. I miss bein out there on that stage. But it’s so hard to leave my baby behind.” said Nicki.

“Yeah, I kinda hate bein away from him.” Drake agreed.

“I can imagine. He’s so damn cute. Hell, I’ll be sad when I leave & I just met him today. I know after everything y’all went through when he was born, the last thing on your mind is leaving him.”

“Exactly. I try to get people to understand that but no one does.” Nicki said.

“Yeah but at the same time baby, you can’t sit at home forever. He's gonna get big & wanna see the world. You can’t keep him locked up in this house forever. Or yourself for that matter. No matter how beautiful it is in here, you’ll still turn it into a prison if you never leave it. I'm not sayin just jump up & go on tour but you gotta get back out there sometime. What do you think y’all relationship will be like if you stay cooped up in here forever? You gotta get out, spend some time alone.”

“I keep tryin to tell her.” Drake shrugged.

“You ain't no better! You the man of this house. If you say y’all goin out, y’all goin out. I don’t care if you gotta throw her over your shoulder, do it. Take her out, order a nice dinner, & bring her home for dessert. I hear pussy a’ la mode is good in any season.” Nicki looked at Drake, wide eyed.

“Don’t look at me! I didn’t say anything!”

“I hear it all. He didn’t have to tell me. But that’s not the point. The point is y’all need to go out, have a good time & then come home & let this man beat it like a punching bag till the sun comes up. That’s the right thing to do. The American thing.” He said before saluting as he looked off into the distance. Nicki chucked a pillow at him. “See all that aggravation? You wouldn’t be like that if you had some medicine in your life.”

“Shut up! What are you, sex doctor?” Nicki said laughing.

“Well, you know, I try.”  He said arrogantly.

“I can’t deal with you right now.” She said shaking her head. Just then, the baby began to cry. “I think that’s the hungry cry.” She said getting up from the couch. “I’ll see you guys later.” She said as she walked up the stairs. Trey stood up to stretch.

“So, can a nigga get a tour?”

“Oh yeah, c’mon, I’ll show you around.” Drake gave Trey a tour of the house before they settled in the backyard with a couple beers. They were relaxed in the Adirondack chairs on the back deck, admiring the view of the mountains just beyond the trees when Trey finally spoke.

“So,” Trey began, “what’s really goin on around here?”

“What do you mean?” Drake asked.

“C’mon dawg! Shes all…..Super mom, you're sexually frustrated.”

“Sexually frustrated?!”

“Nigga you look at her like you wanna eat her right here! What is wrong!? I thought y’all would be workin on baby # 2 by now!”

“If it was up to me, we would be. But Nicki, she’s……she’s depressed man. She’s got a lot on her mind. I mean after Malaki was born & he got his new heart, all she can think about is him.”

“Yeah, but what about you guys? I mean the baby is important but I know you love her. You keep letting her make the rules, it’s not gonna work.”

“I know, but what do I do?! She’s hurting. She’s already got so much to worry about; I don’t wanna put more pressure on her & make her think that the only thing that’s important to me is sex. Cuz it’s not.”

“But that is a major player.” Trey said, giving him a pointed look.

“True, it is. But I just don’t know what to do! I love her so much, there’s not a single thing in this would I could compare it to. I hate that we’re like this, but I don’t wanna lose her.”

“So you would rather stay like this for the rest of your life? Disgruntle & unhappy?”

“If I can have her, I will.” Trey shook his head.

“Maaaan, you are a good dude. I don’t know if I could be as dedicated as you. But I'm worried about y’all. I'm friends with the both of you, so I wanna make sure both of you are good. But you my boy, my brother. I don’t wanna see you fucked up in the game. I can’t even begin to imagine what she’s goin through, but she can’t keep bein a bitch to you & expecting you to take it.”

“But it’s not like she’s doin it for no reason. She can’t help it. I honestly don’t think she even knows that she’s doin it half the time.”

“I understand that. But if you continue to allow this & not put your foot down, she’s gonna think its ok. That you're fine with it.”  

“I know but-“

“Just think of it like this, if Malaki got bigger & he acted the same way, but for good reason, would you take it? Or would you explain to him that while you understand that he’s hurt, there are other ways to express yourself?” Drake was quiet for a while.

“You right, man.” He said quietly.

“I know I'm right.” Trey said taking a swig of his beer. “Hell, I know you angry too. But do you think she would take it the same way if you acted the way she did? She’s not the only 1 who almost lost a child. Make her see that.”

“Shit, for the longest, I thought I was the only 1 that could see it. Started to feel like I was goin crazy a lil bit.” Drake laughed.

“Not at all brother. I don’t even gotta see it. I can feel that something is off. She’s so distant.”

“I know & I kinda feel like it’s my fault, you know? I didn’t do enough to protect her. I just keep thinkin, like, what did I do wrong? Was I not there enough? Did I not show her I care enough?”

“Listen, stop that shit. I can honestly say I've NEVER seen anyone care about another person the way you care about her. You do any & everything you can for her. This is not your fault.”

“I mean I know that, but….I don’t know. You don’t understand how much it kills me to know she’s hurting. That something inside her is broken & I can’t do anything to fix it. I'm the man, you know? I'm supposed to be there to protect my family & I just feel like….a failure.”

“Look man, I know how you feel. As a man, when a woman is hurt, especially someone we really love, it’s in our nature to wanna just fix it. You just need to come to terms with the fact that this is something that you can’t fix. I know it’s some tough shit to hear, but it’s true. You can’t fix he,r dawg. All you can do is be here for her & help. Assist. Not repair it for her.” They both sat there as Drake let Trey’s words sink in. He knew he was right. But it was a hard concept for him to grasp. He had spent the majority of his life wanting the same thing for his mother, to fix her. To make her happy. It really hurt him to realize that he couldn’t. That all he could do was observe & be on call when she fell apart & help pick up the pieces.

“I appreciate you comin out here, man, & talkin to me. You really gave me a new perspective.”

“Don’t even worry about it. Just promise me you goin try & get that spark back.”

“I’ll try. But it’s hard.”

“What’s so hard about it? Just do all the shit that made her love you in the 1^st place. Put that charm on her. It’s not rocket science man.”

“You right, you right.”

“Next time I come out here, I wanna hear about how she had you hangin by ya toes from the ceiling, or some kinky shit like that.”

“You wild, man.” Drake laughed as he walked Trey to the door.   

“I'm not playin man, I'm gonna be back up here in 2 months. Y’all better be on y’all way to knockin them boots. And if you try it once & it don’t work, keep tryin. She’ll get it eventually.” They talked a little while longer before Trey made his exit. Drake headed up to the room to take a shower before heading back out to the backyard. The sun was down as he sat shirtless at the edge of the cement deck, looking off into the distance, thinking about everything Trey said. He was right. They needed to get their spark back. He needed to figure out a way to make her see that they needed to spend more time working on their relationship as a couple & not just being parents. So many ideas were running through his mind. Taking her on a romantic vacation, proposing to her again. After an hour of sitting, trying to come up with the perfect solution to their problems, he felt he was over thinking things, so he went to do the 1 thing that seemed to make sense at the moment. Talk to her.

When he reached the top of the stairs, he could hear that Nicki was still trying to coach Malaki into saying his first words. He stood in the doorway of his room & watched as she spoke to the child. They were sprawled out on the carpet, Nicki in a white t-shirt & boy shorts, Malaki in a white onesie & a diaper. He was sitting up, looking at his mother with a very thoughtful expression on his face as she continued her mantra.

“C’mon baby, just say it 1 time. Say mmmmmmmmmmmmaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaammmmaaaaaa!” Nicki said, exaggerating each sound. Malaki pursed his lips together in an attempt to imitate her.

“Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm,”

“That’s it!!!!! You almost got it!” she exclaimed.

“Don’t you think he needs a little break from this all day speech lesson?” Drake said, startling the both of them. Malaki smiled before crawling over to his father. Drake scooped the child up in his arms & carried him over to his crib. Once he let the child go, he walked back over & extended his hand to Nicki. She took & stood up. He wrapped his arms around her & hugged her tightly. He closed his eyes & breathed her in. she was so warm. She smelled so good. Just being in her presence made his heart race, he wondered if he still had the same effect on her. “Have I told you how wonderful you are today?”

“Yes, this morning.”

“Well, have I told you what an amazing mother you are & how beautiful you are & that I would be completely lost without you because you are beyond what I ever imagined & far more than I will ever deserve?” she stepped back from him.

“Is there something you wanna tell me? Are you going away or something?” he laughed.

“No. I'm not leaving. I just wondered if you knew that I still love you very much.”

“Well of course I know that.” She told him.

“So then why do you keep avoiding me?”

“I'm not avoiding you, I'm right here.” She said as she crossed the room to the large window space. He walked after her, grabbed her wrist & pulled her close to him.

“Nicki, I want you to stop distancing yourself from me. Every time I try to have a serious conversation about us, you walk away or fiddle with something to keep from giving your full attention. For once can you please just give me your undivided attention, look me in the eye, & tell me what’s wrong?” They both sat down on the bench in front of the windows. Drake waited patiently for Nicki to speak.

“I don’t know.” She said as she pulled her hand from his grasp. He sighed as he gazed out into the forest.

“You know, a few months ago, I had this dream. I was on this beach. It was beautiful. Then I saw you. I was trying to reach you but you kept running from me. You ran right into the ocean & I still tried to catch you.”

“Was your Blackberry in your pocket this time?”

“Nicki.”

“Sorry.”

“But as you got further & further away from the shore, this giant wave was coming. Something inside me was telling me I had to get to you before this wave came & crashed down on us or you would get swept away & I didn’t know if I would ever get you back. It was one of the most vivid dreams I've ever had. So I know it had to be telling me something. Right after I had this dream is when we found out about your depression.”

“Well that’s kinda good I guess. At least you see that I didn’t drift away forever. I'm still here.”

“But are you really? I feel like you're just going through the motions, playing house. You're not the person you used to be & I understand that. I know it must be very hard for you with everything you have to deal with, but I just feel like you forgot me. You forgot that I'm here & I need you too.” The last part he said softly, keeping his focus on the dark woods. She grabbed his hand & placed it in her lap with her hand on top.

“I'm sorry.” She told him.

“Don’t be. You don’t have anything to apologize for. I just wanted you to be aware of how I was feeling. That I'm scare too. That I'm worried for the both of you. That feeling I had when I had that dream hasn’t gone away. I feel like something big is coming & if we don’t try & work things out between us to become stronger, that wave is gonna come down on us heavy & we’ll never be able to fix this. I don’t want that. So please, whatever has been on your mind that’s keeping you so distanced from me, tell me.” Nicki thought about this for a while. One of the main reasons why she didn’t want to tell Drake everything is because he might not understand, but now she didn’t think that was true. She figured that if he could be so honest with her then she could do the same, no matter what the outcome was. She took a deep cleansing breath before she started talking.

“About a month ago, I had this dream. We were in the woods & it was dark. You couldn’t hear me, but I could hear you. You had a flashlight & you told me we had to find Malaki. You couldn’t hear him crying so you were going in the wrong direction. But I followed his cries all the way until I fell in this hole & it was so odd. Like Alice in Wonderland. Martha was there & Roman & he had Malaki. Then he just took him. I know you probably think I'm crazy but it really scared me. I just feel like something’s gonna happen. I don’t know what but I'm just afraid that something’s gonna happen to him, or me.” Nicki could feel her chest getting tight & her eyes started to sting. Just thinking about something happening to herself or her son made her want to cry. Drake noticed her discomfort & pulled her to him & kissed the top of her head.

“Listen, I'm not gonna let anything happen to you guys, you hear me? Calm down. It’s ok.”

“I know, I know. But it just…scared me, you know? That’s why I try to stay focused on him cuz if something does happen I wanna be aware so we can fix it. I don’t mean to block you out, I really don’t.”

“I know you don’t. But stop being so scared to tell me how you feel.”

“Yeah, cuz I do kinda feel better now that I got that off my chest. But I just don’t want you to think I'm weird, you know?”

“Awww,well baby you don’t have to worry about that cuz I already knew you were crazy.”

“Shut up!” she said as she push him.

“I'm just kidding.”

“Yeah, yeah. But hey, I've been thinking about something.”

“Have you now?”

“Yes.”

“What is it?”

“Well I know it’s been a long time since we’ve spent any time together.”

“Mmhmmmm.”

“And what Trey said earlier was true. We can’t stay cooped up in this house forever.”

“This is true.”

“So I was thinking, you know, if you wanted to…I’d like to take you out to dinner.” Drake was quite for a moment. He stared at her intently.  He then caressed her face softly, following up by squeezing her cheeks together. “What are you doing?” she said through pursed lips. He leaned in & sniffed her hair.

“You look like Nicki. You smell like Nicki. You feel like Nicki. But I don’t think I heard you right. Did you just say someone other than you is right?” Nicki rolled her eyes.

“Do you wanna go out with me or not?”

“Like on a date?”

“Seriously Aubrey.”

“Ok, ok.” He laughed.

“It’s not gonna be immediate. I need some time to figure this out cuz I want it to be perfect.”

“Any time I spend with you is perfect, baby.” He said before he kissed her lips. She smiled at him, locked in his gaze for a moment before looking away.

“I gotta call my mom & see if she’ll watch him & for how long. That’s gonna determine where I wanna take you.”

“I'm sure she won’t mind watching him.”

“Yeah but I still wanna be sure, you know?”

“Yeah, I understand. But we can figure all that out later. I just wanna spend some time with my family right now.”

“I guess you're right.” She got up & walked over to Malaki’s crib where he sat, softly babbling to his Tigger toy.

“Hey Ki Ki! Whatcu doin daddy?” she said as she peered down on him in his bed. He smiled at her. Drake walked over & wrapped his arms around Nicki’s waist, resting his head on her shoulder while making funny faces at Malaki. “Don’t you wanna say the name of the person you love the most in the world?”

“Hey hey now, don’t pressure him. I'm sure he’ll say daddy on his own time.” said Drake.

“So you think he loves you more than he loves me?” she said as she turned around, arms crossed over her chest.

“Oh I know so.”  He said in an arrogant tone.

“Get over yourself! How could he love you over his mother who is so beautiful & wonderful & amazing?” Drake rolled his eyes.

“Malaki, tell your mom that you love her very much, but you just so happen to love me more.”

“Pooh, don’t listen to him. Tell daddy you love me the most.” The child stood up in his crib, watching as the playful banter of his parents as they went back & forth. He was excited but frustrated that he couldn’t get a word in over them. He bent down to pick up one of the many small wooden blocks in his crib & stood up to hail it at his parents, hitting them both. They stopped their bickering & looked at him.

“Whats up man? You got something to say?” Drake asked. Malaki stood steady with a serious look on his face before he finally spoke.

“NANA.”