BITTERSWEET

SO I WAS IN A GOOD MOOD & I DECIDED THT I WANTED TO POST A LITTLE SOMETHING. ITS NOT LONG. BUT ITS JUST LETS YOU KNOW WHERE THEY ARE IN THEIR LIVES. IDK WHEN THE NEXT 1 WILL B UP BUT KNOW THT I HAVE A LESS STRESSFUL SCHEDULE I'LL TRY 2 MAKE IS SOON. BUT LET THIS HOLD YOU OVET FOR NOW. ENJOY!




chapter 44

“I can’t go home. Not without him.” Nicki said shaking his head.

“I’m sorry. But there’s no medical reason to keep you here so I can’t. I’m sorry baby.”

“But, who’s gonna be here with him? I can’t just leave him here all alone.”

“There will be nurses here with him around the clock and you know you can come & visit. I really wish there was another way. If this were my hospital baby, you know I’d let you stay, but I’ve already used all the connections I have by making them let you stay this long. They should have released you a week ago.”

Nicki put her head in her hands. She couldn’t believe the day had come when she would have to go home, without her baby. She knew it would come. She & Koyoa had talked about it many times & while she knew it was necessary, she didn’t want to do it. She felt like screaming & arguing until she got her way but she knew it wouldn’t help. Koyoa had already pulled so many strings for her & her family. She didn’t want to abuse her power.

“I understand. I’m sorry, but this is so hard. He’s almost a month old & I've been here with him every day. I don’t know what I’m gonna do now that I can’t just wake up, walk down the hall & see him.”

“I know it’s difficult, but think about the fact that all the time he’s here, he’s getting stronger & stronger so that 1 day he can go home & be with you. He’s doing really well so I have faith that that day will come soon. No promises but I have faith. Just hang in there baby & you know I will call you if anything changes at all. But for now, just go spend some more time with him. Maybe it’ll make you feel better.”

Nicki got up from the chair & walked out of the office. She washed her hands & got suited up before walking into the room where Malaki was. Drake was already there, sitting in the rocker, making funny faces at the child. He looked over to Nicki & frowned.

“What’s wrong?” he asked her as he stood up. She flopped down in the chair.

“Nothing. I just wanna spend time with the baby right now.” She said in a cold tone. He said nothing as he handed her the child, kissed her cheek & left. He knew she was upset & she didn’t want to make it worse. She sighed as she looked at her son. He looked up at her with big, inquisitive eyes. Even he knew she was in a bad mood. She gave him a half smile which he returned. “Don’t be tryin to steal my faces, Malaki” she said as she playfully ran her finger over his nose. He smiled, gums exposed. “You’re so cute.” She kissed his forehead. He brought his little hand up to her face. She put her forehead to his. “You know mommy has to go home today. I wish I was taking you with me. But I know you have to stay here & get big & strong. But I promise I will be here every day for as long as they let me. So you make sure you be good when I’m not here, you hear me?” she pulled back to look at him. He seemed to have so much understanding in his eyes. “Sometimes I wonder if you really know what I’m saying. You’re so smart. I wouldn’t be surprised if you did.” She spent the rest of her time cuddling him, kissing him & staring deep into his brilliant blue eyes. She felt like she had to study him because once she left & came back he would somehow be different. Like she would miss something. Drake was just coming back as their time was coming to an end. He came in to see Malaki 1 last time before they went home.

“Hey mini me. It’s about that time.” He said as he leaned over Nicki. “We gotta leave you now but daddy will be back later on tonight to see you so we can play some more, ok?” Malaki smiled. “Yeah, I’m excited too. But don’t worry. It won’t be long from now. You be good, alright? I love you.” he ran his hand over Malaki's hair that was becoming more & more of a fro every day. He kissed his tiny cheek. “I’ll wait outside for you. I know you need your moment.” He said before walking out. She could feel the tears building up, but she didn’t want to cry in front of the baby. She kissed him softly on the tip of his nose before handing him back to Lauren, who was waiting with open arms to receive him.

“I’ll see you later, ok? I love you.” she said before turning away from him. She snatched off her gown & stormed out of the unit. Drake stood up from the chair he was sitting in & walked after her. He had to jog a little to keep up.  

“Hey, why you goin so fast? You in a rush?” he asked as he followed her to the room.

“Where’s all my stuff?” she said as she noticed the room had been picked up & all her things were put away.

“I just figured I could help you out by having all your stuff ready when you came from seeing the baby.” He said as he grabbed her Louis duffle from the side of the bed.

“I didn’t ask you to do that. Why would you touch my shit if I didn’t ask you?” she snapped at him. He sighed heavily. He wasn’t in the greatest mood himself & he didn’t want to clash with her. He walked past her & out the door. “Where are you going?”

“I’m bringing the car around. I’ll meet you at the front door.” He said in a low tone. He didn’t look back as he made his way off the unit. She sat on her bed, arms crossed as she waited for her discharge papers. She felt bad for snapping at him but she really didn’t want to leave. She swiped away a few tears just as Koyoa was entering the room.

“Hey, I got your stuff.” She said handing her a folder with a picture of the hospital on the cover. “Inside is your discharge plan, a direct number to the NICU. I’ve made you an appointment for your post-natal checkup at the office & there’s tons of pictures in there from when he was first born. Oh, & I got his birth certificate today. I put that in there too.”

“Thank you, Koyoa.” Nicki said softly. She looked down, her lip quivering. Koyoa grabber her arm & pulled her into her embrace.

“I know it’s hard baby. But it’s gonna be ok. Really. Don’t stress out. C’mon, I’ll walk you down.” She held Nicki’s hand as they walked downstairs to the front door where Drake was waiting. He opened the passenger side door for her.

“Guess it’s that time.” He said as he walked over to Koyoa. “Thank you so much for everything you’ve done. I love you so much. None of us could ever repay you.”

“You’re welcome sweetie. You make sure you call me if you need me. Drive safe. I love ya’ll.” Koyoa said sweetly. She swiped a tear away quickly as she let him go. “Call me if you need me. I MEAN it!!!” she said as she waved at them. Drake got into the car & drove off.

It was silent as they drove away from the medical complex back to their home. Nicki sat staring out the window. All she could think about is Malaki.

“You wanna talk about it?” Drake asked as he looked over at her. She scowled at him.

“Leave me alone.”

“Yo, what is your problem? Why you actin like that? Did I do something wrong?”

“I don’t wanna talk about it.”

“well maybe you should.”

“I said I’m good, fuck!” she said raising her voice. Drake had had enough. He took a quick turn down an empty road, parked & cut the engine. “What the fuck are you doin?!”

“I aint movin this car until you tell me whats wrong with you. you been snappin at me all day. What the fuck?”

“Stop playin & take me home.”

“No.”

“Fine, I’ll walk.”

“You’d rather walk in the fuckin’ snow than tell me whats wrong with you? Real fuckin smart, Nicki.” She sat in her seat, fuming. She knew she wasn’t really going to walk but she just didn’t want to talk about it.

“You know what Drake, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I can’t be all calm & composed like you. I’m sorry that I actually give a fuck about the fact that we’re drivng home right now & our son is not coming with us.”

“So, you tryin to tell me I don’t care.”

“You sure don’t act like it. You always actin so cool, like nuttin gets to you. You don’t care about shit.”

“How can you say I don’t care?! You don’t think I’m sad?! I am! I just don’t gotta take it out on the people around me that I love. I've been sittin in that hospital for 3 WEEKS! Three weeks I've been so worried about you & that little boy, MY SON. I have my moments, I break down, but I try to be strong for yall. And then we leave today & when we get home, I aint got no family there to comfort me. Yes, your mom will be there & I love her very much but that’s YOUR MOM. My mom aint here, 40 aint here. My dad won’t even come up here. How you think that makes me feel? You don’t know how bad I wanna turn around & tell them I’m not leavin until he does but I know that can’t happen so I’m tryin to be positive. I keep tellin myself over & over that this is the right thing to do for HIM because regardless of what I feel this is what HE needs. I’m sorry if I did something or if I’m makin you feel some type of way but that’s not what I'm tryin to do. I just wanna stay positive.” Nicki felt bad. She didn’t think about how he may have been feeling. She didn’t mean to keep lashing out at him.

“I’m sorry. This is just so hard for me. I don’t wanna be away from him.” she leaned over & put her head on his shoulder as she cried. He wrapper his arm around her & kissed her forehead.

“I know. But this is what we have to do, for HIM.” he kept a secure hold on her until he reached the house. By the time they got there, she was fast asleep. He parked the car, got out & carried her inside. After she was comfortable in bed, he grabbed her things from the car. As he was going through her folder, he noticed the pictures of Malaki. That’s when the idea sprung on him.

Nicki woke up that evening felling a little better. She was still upset about leaving Malaki but her talk with Drake & the best sleep she’s had in almost a month had her mind in a different place. She had a slightly better outlook on the situation. She climbed out of bed & walked down the hall. She was almost to the stairs when she noticed the light was on in Malaki’s room. She pushed the door open & saw Drake on the floor looking rather flustered, all her pictures scattered around.

“What are you doing?” she asked him. He turned to her frowning.

“I was trying to get all of these pictures into one of these really nice frames I bought but I’m having a hard time because I don’t know how.” He huffed. “I’m sorry.” She came & sat next to him on the floor. She looked at all the scattered arrangements of photos on the floor.

“Don’t be sorry. This is really sweet. Thank you.” she kissed his lips softly. “Do you want me to help you?”

“I would love it if you did. But first. I have something for you.” he got up & walked over to the bookshelf where a small bag sat. He grabbed it & brought it to Nicki. “Don’t be mad that I stole but they wouldn’t let me have it so I had to.” She raised a brow at him. She reached in the bag & pulled a soft muslin swaddle blanket with vibrant blue stars on it. She held it to her face & took in the scent. “I know it’s not the same as having him here, but I hope it helps make you feel like you're a little closer to him.” Nicki got up on her knees, reached for his hand & pulled him back down to the floor. She wrapped her arms around him tightly.

“Thank you so much. This is why I love you. I know I haven’t said it a lot lately but I do I really do. I'm sorry for earlier. I know you're stressed too.”

“Don’t worry about it. It’s ok. I love you too.” He pulled her into his lap. “now help me finish putting these pictures in this frame.”