WE FALL DOWN

HELLO ALL! IM BACK!!!!! DID U MISS ME?!?! I MISSED YOU!!!! WHICH IS Y I HAVE A NEW CHAPTER FO YOU!!! ENJOY!



chapter 45

“C’mon hurry up we got 5 minuets!”

“I’m hurryin!” Drake said as he raced down the stairs. Nicki was already in the car, engine running. Drake took the bag he was holding & threw it in the back seat.

“What the hell was takin you so long?”

“I’m sorry but I didn’t get a lot of sleep last night. I’m kinda tired.”

“Well step it up! We can’t keep Malaki waiting. I bet he misses us.”

And this was their everyday routine. Altogether they had had about 32 hours sleep between them in the past 5 days & while Nicki showed no signs of fatigue, it was definitely starting to wear on Drake. They had spent almost every waking hour visiting Malaki. As soon as they found a parking spot in the medical complex to park, Nicki hopped out & raced toward the hospital. Drake ran his hand over his face before hopping out of the car. He walked in a sluggish pace to the hospital, up the entrance stairs to the elevator & from there to the NICU. He pressed the page button & waited for the lock to click open. Once he was inside he slowly started to scrub up before putting on his gown.

“Hey hot shot.” He turned around to see Koyoa leaning against the wall behind him. “Wow, you don’t look so hot. You ok baby?” he nodded. “When’s the last time you had some sleep? Like real sleep.”

“I don’t know……bout a week ago.”

“A week ago? Baby you need your rest! What are you doin?”

“I know, but I've been up here with Nicki & the baby.”

“Yeah well I'm gonna talk to her little ass too. She can cake on all the concealer she wants but I know she aint been sleepin either.”

“You can’t tell her nuttin. That woman is a machine.”

“Yeah well even machines need to be maintenanced. I know you wanna be here with the baby. I get that. But if yall don’t take it easy you're gonna wear yourselves out. I’m already treatin lil man I don’t need yall as patients too.”

“I know. But Nicki she just…. I don’t know. And I don’t wanna NOT come. I know she needs my support. I love her. I love both of them. I don’t know what to do.”

“Well I don’t know what to tell you do, but I sure will talk to her. Now go, spend time with your son, but after that, take a nap.”

“Yeah” he scoffed “right.” He said good bye to Koyoa before walking around the corner. Nicki was sitting in the rocker feeding Malaki. Drake sat in the chair next to them & stroked Malaki’s soft hair. “What’s up lil man?” he said before kissing his curly locks. “You get more boob then me these days.”

“Stop it.” Nicki said swatting at him.

“I’m kidding.” He laughed.

“Did you bring in the bag?”

“Yes babe, I did.” He reached down by his feet & unzipped the duffle. He went inside & pulled out his original copy of “The House At Pooh Corner” by A.A. Milne. “Now….where did we leave off?” he said as he flipped through the pages. “Oh, here we go. ‘In Which Tigger Comes to the Forest and Has Breakfast” he cleared his throat & threw on his glasses before beginning to read.

“Winnie the Pooh woke up suddenly in the middle of the night and listened. Then he got out of bed, and lit his candle, and stumped across the room to see if anybody was trying to get into his honey-cupboard, and they weren't, so he stumped back again, blew out his candle, and got into bed. Then he heard the noise again. 'Is that you, Piglet?' he said. But it wasn't. 'Come in, Christopher Robin!' he said. But Christopher Robin didn't. 'Tell me about it to-morrow, Eeyore,' said Pooh sleepily. But the noise went on.”

As Drake read, Malaki peeked over at him from his mother’s arms. He even stopped eating 2 listen. When she noticed he was no longer sucking, Nicki pulled him from her breast & sat him up to burp him. He still listened to his father’s voice, his brilliant eyes looking at him, almost unblinking, while he read.

“What shall we do about poor little Tigger?
If he never eats nothing, he'll never get bigger.
He doesn't like honey and haycorns and thistles
Because of the taste and because of the bristles.
And all the good things which an animal likes
Have the wrong sort of swallow or too many spikes.”

“That doesn’t sound too good to eat now does it lil man?” Drake asked as he swiped a bit of milky drool off Malaki’s chin with his finger. He wiped it in the birp rag in front of him. The child smiled. “Maybe you can share some of that good breastmilk with Tigger, huh?” Malaki stopped smiling & looked at Drake seriously. “Or not.” Nicki couldn’t help but laugh.

“He was too serious with that. He is NOT sharing his food. Greedy butt!” she said as she kissed his cheek. Drake held his arms out for the baby. “Be careful baby, he hasn’t burped yet.”

“I got this!!!” he said in a cocky tone. He took the child & placed him in his lap.

“But whatever his weight in pounds,
shillings, and ounces,
He always seems bigger because
of his bounces.”

“Do you wanna bounce, Ki!? Huh? You wanna bounce?!” Malaki looked up, excitement in his eyes. Drake couldn’t help but oblige. He began to bounce the baby on his knee as he sang.

“The wonderful thing about Tiggers
Is Tiggers are wonderful things!
Their tops are made out of rubber
Their bottoms are made out of springs!
They're bouncy, trouncy, flouncy, pouncy
Fun, fun, fun, fun, fun!
But the most wonderful thing about Tiggers is-“

and just as Drake was about to finish the song, Malaki threw up all over his Crooks & Castles shirt as well as Malaki’s Christian Dior sleeper. Drake couldn’t even speak. He held the child out in front of him.

“Really Ki?! You just goin throw up all over ya daddy like that? Nice.”

“I tried to tell you.” Nicki said shaking her head. “Give him here so I can change his clothes.” Drake handed Nicki the baby & got up.

“I have another shirt in the car. I’m gonna go change.” He kissed her & Malaki before leaving the unit. He got in the car & searched around for his extra shirt. Once he changed he looked at his Blackberry. It was 10:58 a.m. he ran his hands over his face as he sat back in the seat. It was comfortable. He closed his eyes & dozed off.

The sunlight beamed down on him brightly. The heat warming his body to the perfect temperature. He flexed his fingers, feeling the softness underneath him. He heard waves crashing in the distance. He opened his eyes & was immediately blinded by the sun. He sat up & shaded his eye with his hand. There before him were crystal clear waters as far as the eye could see. It was beautiful. The tide came in, foam collecting at the top of tiny waves as they crashed against the powdery white sands. He reached over, picked up a handful & let it fall between his fingers. Where was he? How did he get here? He didn’t know, but he liked it. His chest was bare & he was clad in shorts. He looked around. The beach was vacant. He lifted his leg, letting his arm rest on his knee as he gazed out to the horizon. Out of nowhere, he heard a soft giggle. He looked to his left & saw a beautiful girl standing by large rocks on the shore. The wind whipped her long wavy hair across her face. He couldn’t see who she was.  He stood up slowly & faced her. She brushed her hair aside, tucking it behind her ear. Nicki. He smile was as bright as the sun that shone down on them. He started to walk toward her. She laughed before taking off toward the sea.

“Nicki, wait!” he called to her. She simply looked back at her & smiled. “Nicki!” he called again. The wind carried her voice to the shore in a soft whisper.

“Aubrey.”

He could barely hear her over the crashing of the waves. She said it again.

“Aubrey.”

It was so sweet, like a melody. Before long she was waist deep in the water. The waves were getting higher, the tide coming in further on the shore.

“Nicki, come back!” he yelled. He was afraid the sea would carry her away.

“Auuuuuubrey.” Her voice was harder & harder to hear. He looked past her & saw a mountainous wave heading toward her. He ran as fast as he could, trying to reach her. She kept repeating his name, beaconing to him. The wave rose above them, blocking out the sun. His heart was racing. He was moving as fast as he could but he just couldn’t reach her. Just before the wave crashed down on them, he screamed her name.

“Aubrey!” she yelled at him when he screamed at her. “What the fuck is goin on with you?  You ok?” he looked around, completely lost. His breathing was heavy, sweat collecting on his brow.

“Wha-what the fuck?! What happened?!”

“I don’t know baby, you tell me.”

“I… I don’t know! It was me & you & the beach, then the wave & it……… the shit felt so REAL!!!!!”

“Must have been a serious dream.”

“I swear I didn’t even know I was sleeping. It was some straight ‘Inception’ shit!”

“Well you're awake now so just calm down. Its ok.” Drake wiped his face with his hand. The dream was so vivid.it was taking him a while to get adjusted. He took a few cleansing breaths, turned down the heat & the ambient noise cd she had playing. “What the hell are you doing?!” he exclaimed as he realized she was half dressed with a blanket thrown over the front of her.

“I'm pumping!”

“In the car?”

“I have to! They hurt so bad & Malaki needs more milk anyway.”

“Why not inside?”

“Cuz I didn’t wanna leave you! When I first came out here you were shivering so I turned on the heat. Then you were talking in your sleep, calling my name, so I stayed with you.”

“Well I appreciate it but please put your titty away.” She sighed as she did what he asked. She sealed the bottles of milk & put the Madela pump back in her bag.

“I talked to Koyoa.”

“Yeah? What’d she say?”

“She thinks I need to slow down.”

“She’s right.”

“I’m fine.”

“Nicki, you haven’t slept in 2 days. Take a break.”

“I'm not even tired.”

“You know I hate when you lie to me.”

“I'm NOT!”

“Your bags are showing.” Nicki put her hand to the under area of her eyes, tracing it with her fingertips.

“Don’t play with me.”

“So you DO have bags?” Nicki sighed.

“If I lose a little sleep, so what? Malaki needs us to be here for him. It won’t be long now before he comes home so I can handle it.

“But Nicki what if-“

“Don’t you dare fuckin say it.” there was dead silence before he spoke again.

“I understand that, but baby, you need a break. If you keep going like this, I'm scared something’s gonna happen.”

“Babe, I'm fine. Now come on. We have to get back to Malaki.” She opened the door & hopped out of the truck. Drake sat back for a while, thinking. He was afraid for her. He didn’t want anything bad to happen to her. He had to figure out a way to keep her from pushing herself too far.

It was just after midnight when they got home. Nicki kicked off her shoes & hung up her coat before heading to the kitchen. She took the empty bottles out of her bag & put them in the sink. She turned the hot water on & began washing them. Drake came behind her & starting kissing her neck.

“C’mon babe, stop.” She said as he wrapped his arms around her waist.

“This can wait until tomorrow, come to bed.”

“No, I need to do this.”

“No you don’t, come to bed.” He slid his fingers under the hem of her shirt.

“Dammit Drake, STOP!” she yelled. He huffed as he dropped his hands from her waist. He turned around & walked upstairs. She didn’t want to be mean to him but she just didn’t understand why he didn’t see how important this was to her. She finished washing the bottles filled up 2 more with breast milk, put them in the freezer & went upstairs. Drake was laying on the bed in his pajamas when she entered the room.

“So you goin come to bed now?”

“I need to take a shower.”

“Come the fuck ON Nicki!”

“Look, I’m not in the muthafuckin mood. Just leave me alone.” She told him as she stepped out of her clothes. She walked into the bathroom & stepped into the shower. The water was hot, soothing her muscles. She washed her body slowly. She could feel herself getting tired, but she had to finish her shower. She sat on the floor, letting the spray rinse the suds off her. As she did she found herself falling back in to her habit of staring at the drain as the water ran down it. she was locked into a trance until she felt herself being pulled from the shower.

“What the fuck Aubrey?!” she screamed.

“You fuckin fell asleep!” he yelled back. He threw a towel at her. “What the fuck is wrong with you?!”

“Nothing!”

“Something!!! You're fuckin exhausted. Go to bed.”

“I still have to pump again.”

“He has enough milk & the shit’s not goin nowhere. Do it in the fuckin morning. Come to bed.”

“Stop tryin to tell me what to do! I’ll come to bed when I fuckin please, not when it suits you. It aint all about you, we have a son now.”

“What does that mean? You actin like I don’t know that. But damn you actin like he’s everything.”

“Cuz he is!”

“No he’s not! What about me? Shit, what about YOU?! How can you be a good mom if you not even takin care of yourself?”

“So you sayin I'm not a good mom?”

“No, I'm not sayin that!”

“Nah, it’s cool. I gotchu. Nicki gotta be wrong cuz AUBREY aint getting taken care of.”

“Don’t make this about me.”

“Why? That’s all its ever about with you. AUBREY’S not satisfied, so it’s a problem. Well guess what? I'm not here just for you to fuck so if that’s what you here for you can go.” Drake frowned as he looked to the ground & shook his head. He walked over to the bed & grabbed his pillow & a blanket. “Yeah, that’s right, leave, go ahead. That’s all you niggas do anyway.” She spat as she crossed her arms over her chest. As soon as she said that, he turned around & rushed over to her, getting in her face.

“Listen, first, stop tryin to play me like I'm not here for my son. I've loved him since the second I found out about him. I'm up there every single fuckin day. I sit with him. I talk to him. I play with him, change him, soothe him when he cries just like you. The ONLY thing I can’t do is feed him, but if I could I would & you know it. every day I go up there at all these outrageous hours & I don’t complain. Stop actin like he only got 1 fuckin parent.” He was spewing those words like venom. Nicki was a bit shocked. He’d never spoken to her like that. She backed away but he didn’t relent. He stooped down to her, face to face. Anger in his eyes. “And second, don’t ever try to play me again like I don’t love you & all I wanna do is fuck. You better remember that I never gave up on us, YOU did. I believed in us when YOU didn’t. This house, all the shit in it, I DID THIS FOR US, not just for you because to be quite honest baby girl, pussy is good but its DEFINATLY not worth all the aggravation & worry you cause me. I do this because I love you & I WANT to be here. Because that’s what I feel in my HEART, not my DICK. But if that’s what you have to believe to get you through the day baby, fine by me. But you goin stop comin at me with this because of what you got festering in YOU. You know I love you & Malaki & you are a good fucking mom. But you keep overworkin your body & it’s gonna give out. So excuse me for being concerned.  And lastly, yes, I am leaving. I'm gonna sleep downstairs. You wanna run yourself into the ground, I can’t stop you. But I’ll be DAMNED if I just sit up here & watch. So I’ll see you in the morning.” And with that, he stormed out of the room.

Six a.m. rolled around & Nicki couldn’t lie in bed any longer waiting for sleep that she knew would never come. She had been crying all night. She was so hurt & angry at what Drake said, but didn’t know why. She couldn’t admit to herself that he was right. She stood up & walked over to the closet. Her body felt so heavy. Her head was pounding. She wanted to crawl back into bed. But she couldn’t. She had to see Malaki. She got dressed & headed downstairs. She went in the kitchen & packed her bag. Drake was there eating breakfast.

“Nicki, baby can we talk?”

“What’s there to talk about? You said what you had to say.” 

“Nicki I'm sorry but I didn’t know what else to say to get through to you. You need to take a break.”

“Are you coming or not?” she slung her bag over her shoulder & headed for the car. He followed.

“Nicki just PLEASE listen to me!” he begged.

“Drake, I did listen to you. Now you listen to me. I'm good.”  She pulled out of the driveway & down the street. The sun had yet to rise & the lines in the street were blurry to her. She squinted to focus.

“Look I know I might have hurt your feelings, but-“

“Drake, my feelings aren’t hurt. I just wanna get to the hospital & id appreciate it if you didn’t talk so much so I can focus.” Her hands were shaky as she turned the corner. Snow was beginning to fall & her headlights seemed too dim. She kept blinking, trying to focus.

“Nicki, you-“

“Just SHUT UP!!!”she screamed. She couldn’t focus. She was feeling dizzy. Her migraine was getting worse. She closed her eyes & took a breath as she tried to regroup. Her lids were heavy; she didn’t want to re-open them.

“NICKI LOOK OUT!!!!!”

She looked up as the truck honked at her. The headlights blinded her. Drake grabbed the wheel & turned it to the side of the road while she stomped on the break. They skidded to a stop in the shoulder lane. He yanked the car in park & got out. He walked around to her side & pulled her out.

“Let me look at you baby, are you hurt?!” he said as he smoothed her face. He looked her over to make sure she wasn’t injured before hugging her to his chest. She couldn’t help but cry. He kissed the top of her head. “Don’t worry it’s gonna be alright.”

“Post-partum depression is very common in new moms. It’s easy to get overwhelmed, especially given your circumstances.”

“I just… I don’t know what happened.” Nicki mumbled as she sat across from Koyoa. Her arms hugging her knees to her chest. She hadn’t stopped crying since the accident.

“Baby, why didn’t you talk to me? I could’ve done something. You know I would do anything to help you.”

“I just wanted to prove I could do it. That I could be there for him. I wanted to do everything I could cuz I want him to come home.”

“And I understand that, I really do, but you can’t neglect yourself. You're not sleeping or eating. You could have been coming in here on a stretcher or a body bag. What would Malaki have done then?” Nicki hung her head. Koyoa walked around the desk & sat next to Nicki on the sofa, wrapping her arms around her. “it’s ok Nicki. You're not alone. Like I said, this happens to lots of women, not just you. don’t beat yourself up over this.”

“I didn’t wanna put anyone in danger. I'm so, so sorry.”

“I know honey, but you gotta take it easy from now on. No more being up here around the clock. We’ll come up with a plan so that Malaki will always be around familiar faces. We’ll figure this out, I promise. But you CANT keep working yourself to death or next time I'm afraid you won’t be so lucky. And if we have to have this conversation again I will have no choice but to admit you to our mental health unit & I don’t wanna do that because I know you're not crazy. Do you want that?

“You know I don’t.”

“Well then, you go home, get some rest.” You’ve had a long day.  Call me if you need me. And stop being so mean to Drake. You know he loves you. I’ll call you in a few days to set up another appointment.” She kissed he cheek & escorted her to the waiting area to Drake. “Take her home. Make her rest.” He wasted no time doing what she said. When they got there, Carol & Safaree were waiting in the livingroom.

“What are you guys doing here?”

“Aubrey called us.” Her mother said. Nicki looked at him.

“Don’t be mad.” Safaree told her. “He just wanted to help. We all wanna help.” She looked down as fresh tears fell from her eyes.

“Don’t worry, we’re gonna do whatever we can. I promise. We’re here for you.” Drake said as wiped her cheeks. She looked at him square in the eyes & mouthed “thank you.”

I JUST WANNA SAY GIRLS THAT EVEN THOUGHT THIS STORY IS FICTIONAL THE EMOTIONS THAT NICKI FEELS ARE VERY REAL. STRESS IS INEVIDABLE. IF ANY OF YOU EVER FEEL OVERWHELMED, PLEASE REACH OUT TO SOMEONE. TALK ABOUT IT. DONT KEEP IT BOTTLED IN BECAUSE IT WILL ONLY LEAD TO DISTRUCTION.....